Don't Think About Elephants!

There is an old advice that is given to new mountain bikers where you are told "don’t look at where don’t want to go; look where you do want to go."  Sounds obvious, but what happens is that people see something hazardous coming up -- a cactus, a stump, a barbed wire fence running along the side of the path -- and their focus actually makes them run into the obstacle!  (This happens all the time, and the technical reason is because the act of turning to look at something shifts your weight to turn the bike in that direction.)  So what are supposed to when you see something scary coming up?  Well, look at where you do want to go.

I was reading something that said that telling people "don't be afraid" when they encounter a fearful situation can have the same effect. You say it enough time, and now you all you are thinking about is how afraid you are.  It is one thing to be aware that one should not be afraid, but you don't stop being afraid because you say "don't be afraid."  (How do you get someone to think about an elephant?  Well, tell them, "don't think about an elephant.")  You need something else.

According to Sister Maria in The Sound of Music, when life gives us thunder, we ought to think of 'a few of my favorite things.'  It isn't bad advice, and not far from the biblical one (which makes sense, since she was, after all, a nun).  When God calls upon Joshua to lead the Israelites after Moses (C'mon, really? Those are some big sandals to fill!), He encourages the fearful Joshua by saying "Do not be terrified, and do not be discouraged" but immediately follows it with "For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."  In other words, yes, this is scary, but now, remember something that will take that fear away -- I am with you.


Which is exactly the same thing Jesus tells his disciples in the upper room discourse in John.  Which is exactly the same thing we are told now when we encounter challenging situations that make us hesitate obeying God -- loving a neighbor, telling the necessary truth to someone, forgiving an enemy, etc., etc., etc..

Now stop focusing on the things that make you fear, and turn back.  Look at the path set before you by the One who brought you here.

See Me. See You.

For the last couple of weeks, I have been waking up to a new morning routine. My three-year-old son, who has become the default household alarm clock, stands next to my bed, grabs my nose (or some other part of my face) and shakes me awake as he says “Here you go,” handing me my glasses.  He sees this as doing me a terrific favor, and definitely delights in his role.  “Thanks, Max” I say as I open my bleary eyes to see his smiling face.

The funny thing about self-awareness is that you can't really become more aware by trying harder.  I mean, you have to try, but it is still like trying to see your blind-spot, which by definition is something you can't see.  How do you learn to see something that you cannot see?  You need help.  You need someone else to find your glasses.

Transformational growth can only occur as we begin to see ourselves--and our condition--honestly.  But this sort of self-awareness almost never occurs without help from an outside source, and the normal way in which the Spirit works, according to both Scripture and my observation, is through others.  “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another”, “spur one another on toward love and good deeds,” “build one another up”, we are told.

But the first step is to open ourselves up to others.  To give others permission--in the context of a trusting relationship--to speak into our lives.

This is hard for most of us, because we have learned much from our environment already about the careful management of our image and perception -- what comes out and what stays hidden.

But if we do choose growth, we are going to have to start by saying, both as a principle and in practice, “I need your help.  Help me find my glasses.  Help me to see me.”

As we begin a new season of transformation together, may we be courageous in our honesty, as we help one another cross-ward.

He Chose Us!

We are reading Brennan Manning's devotional "Reflections for Ragamuffins" at our church.  This blog is meant to create a sense of conversation for us, as we read this together.  This is a reflection based on today's (July 2) reading.


If there is any 'advantage' of being adopted -- I am told by my friends who have experienced it first hand -- is the sense that one was 'chosen'.  I saw you, and I chose you.  Of all the kids in the world, I chose you.  Set aside whatever conflicting motives that our consumerist culture might read into this for now.  Because love experienced at its deepest always involves this awareness that it is not something we have to do, but something we desire to do.

So today's reading was a simple one, whose title is also an apt summary:  "He chose us."  God chose us to be His, and even more so, His adopted children.  (Ephesians 1:3-4)  A rather gigantic statement.  God in His infinite freedom, chose us.  With no ability to offer God anything, with no guarantees of our affection, God chose us.  That's a pretty big deal.

Manning doesn't stop there though.  And then he dares to categorize us in the following groups:

1.  We don't know it.
2.  We know it but don't accept it.
3.  We accept it but are not in touch with it.
4.  We are in touch with it but don't surrender to it.

Which category describes you?  And what would it look like, if we did "surrender" to the truth that God chose us?

Reflections for Ragamuffins, first post...

Some of us at Cross have committed to doing a common daily devotional together.  We are reading Brennan Manning's Reflections for Ragamuffins in this first go-around, and I -- along with others -- will be doing some reflections on the Reflections.


Based on the reading for June 23, "Knowing Who We Really Are."


"Jesus' freedom from public opinion and nagging concern of what others might think enabled him to live with honesty and spontaneity.  There could be no facade, no mask, no pretense, no sham, no playing of roles.  For the Nazarene Carpenter, to have integrity meant to be genuine, to communicate authentically, to resonate with his feelings....  The injunction of Paul to "put on Christ" explicitly meant not to conform...but only to please [the] Father."


Okay, a little vulnerability here.

Ever since I turned 40 (which was a while ago), I have been fighting it.  Hard.  What is it?  Well, it is not looking like my image of what a "middle-aged" man looks like.  Someone who tucks in their t-shirts into their trousers.  Someone who wears the wrong kind of socks with the wrong kind of shoes.  While wearing shorts that are too short.  Someone who drives a sensible car, or a minivan, while wearing expensive sunglasses, because somehow that is supposed to offset the middle-agedness of the whole thing.

For all my fretting, I am afraid I have now become that other caricature of a middle-aged man -- the guy who is fighting looking like a middle aged guy.  The guy who tries to wear 'what the kids are wearing.'  The guy who tries really hard to keep up with the music and the lingo.

If only 'knowing who we really are' was as simple as Brennan makes it seem.  How many of us are not pretending, not fighting it?  Maybe you are not fighting your middle-age, but we are fighting something -- our past, our ghosts, our insecurities about our appearance, our insecurities about the level of competence and achievement, our families, etc., etc., etc..

The funny thing is, it is so obvious when others are doing it, but so hard to know when you are doing it.  And what is wrong with us that we form our relationships that so few of our 'friends' will ever tell us when we are being, as Brennan would say it "posers, fakes and wannabees"?

Peace.

Lent - What Are You Learning?

If you have any thing that you've learned or been thinking about during this Lenten season, please be an encouragement and add them to the comments.

We are observing Lent this year at our church, and for most of us, we are doing this as a bunch of novices, who grew up in very non-liturgical settings (a few exceptions noted).  We aren't following so much the traditional practices (ash on forehead, fasting on Fridays, etc.), but focusing on the the "inner" reflections that lead us to a deeper appreciation of the cross.

(Sidenote:  I hate to make that inner-outer distinction, but it is a legitimate shortcut to denote certain things.)

At least 32 people from our little community have committed to doing this journey together through daily readings and prayers.  If you have any thing that you've learned or been thinking about during this Lenten season, please be an encouragement to others and add them to the comments...

Blessings.

Seeing Possibilities... in People.

If you have 20 minutes to do anything good for yourself, watch this video.  Heck, just watch the first 5 minutes, and if you don't like it, you can stop, and I will buy you coffee for your troubles.


But if you do like it...  It is a talk given by Ben Zander at a previous TED conference.  I rather not explain it too much, but here is an excerpt.

"Now, I had an amazing experience. I was 45 years old, I'd been conducting for 20 years, and I suddenly had a realization. The conductor of an orchestra doesn't make a sound. My picture appears on the front of the CD -- (Laughter) -- but the conductor doesn't make a sound. He depends for his power on his ability to make other people powerful. And that changed everything for me. It was totally life-changing. People in my orchestra came up to me and said, "Ben, what happened?" That's what happened. I realized my job was to awaken possibility in other people. And of course, I wanted to know whether I was doing that. And you know how you find out? You look at their eyes. If their eyes are shining, you know you're doing it. You could light up a village with this guy's eyes. (Laughter) Right. So if the eyes are shining, you know you're doing it. If the eyes are not shining, you get to ask a question. And this is the question: Who am I being that my players' eyes are not shining? We can do that with our children too. Who am I being that my children's eyes are not shining? That's a totally different world."


Did you catch that? "The conductor doesn't make sound.  He depends for his power on his ability to make other people powerful." Implications abound for what we do as preachers, teachers, doctors, lawyers, artists, businessmen, etc..


Anyways, WATCH THE VIDEO!

I'm sorry, but I ordered the LARGE...

Sometimes people ask dumb questions.  Other times, it only seems dumb.

I was standing in line today waiting to get my new favorite lunch obsession when the woman next to me has this conversation with the cashier:

Woman:  "What's the difference between the large and the small?"

Cashier:  "One is bigger."

Woman: "Where is the rice?  I don't see it in the picture."

Cashier:  "It's hiding under the meat."

Woman:  "Well, the large seems big, so two people can eat that, right?"

Cashier:  "Well, I guess that depends on how hungry you are."

My face is a strange smirk listening to this, as I order my large platter (I am hungry).  I think this is the funniest thing I've heard all day.

Anyways, back at the office, it occurs to me just how large the 'large' really is.  And I start thinking, you know, in most other parts of the world, this really would be enough to serve two people.  Maybe even more.

Just to illustrate, I spent over two hours the other day in cycling 32 miles, at vigorous effort.  According to my calorimeter (I have one of them fancy bike computers that tell me this), I used up 808 calories.

This single large platter is 850 calories.  Meaning, I am now +42 calories, even after my workout.  (Yes, I know this isn't how this works, but you get my point.)

All of which reminds me of just how distorted our understanding of our "needs" versus our "wants" really are.  Our appetite (not just for food) is an incredibly subjective thing, prone to exaggerations, distortions, and rationalizations, that we are rarely--if ever--at a good enough place to be able to distinguish our "wants" from our "needs."  If we want something badly enough, it soon becomes a 'need' in our minds.

And yet there really are 'needs' out there that we can actually do something about.

Something to think about as we get ready for Christmas again.

Simple, Meaningful, Fun...

Bunch of us from church (a baker's dozen) volunteered last night to help out El Modena Community Center provide some 200+ turkey dinners to the community at their parking lot.  Thanks to Sun Yu's research on our community (more on this later), we found out that this very active community service organization was trying to put together an open community dinner.  And we volunteered to do the dessert, but were able to help out in several other ways as well.

300+ pieces of pie and 300+ awesome mini pumpkin cheesecakes were prepared (cheesecakes by Nadia. Couple of hours later, they were all gone!  On a nearly perfect California Fall evening, it was a simple, meaningful, and fun service opportunity.  Smiles all around, and I think pretty much everyone said to me "let's do this again soon!"

Great job to Jery, Ray, Deb, Sorina, Jong, Joshua, Madeleine, Marcus, Karyn, Mike, Alice & Nadia!

Thanks to Teresa at El Modena Center and the staff for letting us take part in this cool event!

85% Lean or 15% Fat?

Imagine you are given fifty dollars, and told you have to decide between two options.  In the first option, you can gamble all or nothing for the fifty, and you are told there is a 40 percent chance that you will keep the fifty, and a 60 percent change you will lose everything.  The second option is a sure thing -- trade the Ulysses Grant and you get to keep twenty dollars.
     What would you do?  Most people (62%) go for the safe bet, the sure thing.  Free money is free money, right?
     Now, let's do play the game again -- the game stays exactly the same, except instead of gaining twenty dollars, you are told you will lose thirty dollars.  What would you do?
     Well, reading this, you think, wait, that is exactly the same deal as the first one, why would things be different?  And you would be right.  Except that worded in this way, a significantly fewer people (42%) go for the sure money.  What happened?

This is what psychologists call the framing effect, a well-known characteristic of the human decision making process. It is what makes people much more likely to choose the ground beef labeled 85% lean over the one labeled 15% fat, or choose surgery when the doctor tells us there is 80% chance of recovery as opposed to 20% chance of death.  Retailers do this all the time by emphasizing your savings, versus looking at your spending.  This is why percent off coupons are so tempting, and yet so meaningless.  (All of this is from Jonah Lehrer's book How We Decide.)

Now, the reason why I bring this up...

We've been learning on Sundays about making plans, and choosing wisely. And the key, I think is to remember the correct framing for our decisions.

If our framework is that our future is only about what we do with our choices, that is a scary, risky perspective -- and our tendency will be to choose a more passive, conservative approach toward life.  Our range of choices will be limited by our fears.  We are doomed before we even start.

If on the other hand our framework for our decision-making is about guessing at ("divining") God's choices for us -- one specific, secret, choice that gets us to the end, kind of like a cosmic "choose your own adventure" book -- then you will forever be looking for "signs" rather than exercising/developing godly wisdom.

God wants us to be wise.  And stop looking for short-cuts.  Sometimes the short-cuts will come; but we don't get to demand it, not when wisdom will do.

Read Kevin DeYoung's clear and marvelously concise book on this subject.

100 Things Restaurant Staffers Should Never Do...

This New York Times article lists 100 things (well, 50 for now) that a good restaurant should never do.  Some of them are obvious--though often overlooked--such as:
1.  Do not let anyone enter the restaurant without a warm greeting (as opposed to the "why are you here?" look I sometimes get).

and

21. Never serve anything that looks runny, or creepy or wrong (duh! especially 'creepy').

Some items on the list are more subtle, like:
2. Do not make a singleton feel bad; do not ask "are you waiting for someone?" (although assuming that you are probably alone might not be good either).


and

6. Do not lead the witness with "Bottled water, or just tap?" Both are fine.  Remain neutral.  (And in particular, don't push that stupendously overpriced imported 'artesian' water -- the one that comes in a bottle that looks nicer than the vase I just bought at Mikasa.)

Two reasons for bringing this up.  First, because I think most of us have an opinion on this.  Try this with your friend-group; ask them if there is anything that waiters do that "drives them crazy."  I don't know why, and I don't know when it happened, but complaining about restaurant service has become an art.  I suppose this is because it is a not-so-subtle way of saying how sophisticated we are.

More on that at another time.  But the second why I bring this up is because I kinda feel like people go to  churches with lists very similar to this one...  I suppose some of this isn't a bad expectation to have (like being greeted warmly), but there is this 'I want great service' mentality that people have that might not be congruous with worship.  Churches bending over backwards to make people feel comfortable, 'be a guest' -- in some ways -- might not helpful in dislodging the mistaken understanding of what we are doing when we gather for worship.  (Hint: it's not about you; it about Him!)

Trust me, I want our church to be warm, friendly, inviting, non-exclusive, and do everything in reasonable means to make people feel genuinely welcomed.  But we ought to remember the difference between what makes for a good church and what makes for a good restaurant.